Bravely Fertile

My name is Julie Hurtle.  I am married to an amazing man who happens to be in the military.  We have two beautiful children with a third one on the way.  We currently reside in Texas but have been told we will be moving again in the very near future.  My desire is to glorify God in everything I do, and He continues to show me that it’s by His grace alone I’m ever able to do that.  His grace is sufficient; His power is made perfect in our weakness; His mercies truly are new every morning; and He is faithful to forgive us as we confess our sins to Him.

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A Google search provided the following definition of the word “brave.”

Brave– (adjective) Ready to face and endure danger or pain; showing courage. (verb) Endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear.

 

When asked to share a story of when God called me to be brave, three big moments in my life came to mind.  After reading the definition of bravery, I can say that I wasn’t “ready” to face and endure those moments, and I certainly didn’t feel courageous or without fear.  As an Army wife, I have faced two very long deployments without fear, and I was “ready” to face them. I moved to South Korea a week before my husband was scheduled to arrive to start my first full-time teaching job so I could live in Korea with my husband since the Army wasn’t sending me with him.  I had no guarantee they wouldn’t change his orders after I got there and send him somewhere else.  I had never been anywhere overseas.  I had never met the people who hired me.  But I went.  I was “ready” for whatever would come and I had no fear.  We’ve moved six times in our marriage and my husband has changed his career in the Army three times.  It all fits the definition of being brave, but in all of this I didn’t feel particularly brave.  I had signed up for things like that when I married my husband.  It’s all just part of the package deal.

But somehow, when God steps into the seemingly smooth-running plans in my life and changes things in ways I’m unprepared for, that’s when I feel the real opportunities for bravery arise.  Not so much the Google definition of bravery, but the kind of bravery that requires a person to set aside their fear in faith.  The bravery that says, “I’m not ready for this, I don’t think I can endure this, I am afraid, but God, you are not surprised by this.  You, God, are bigger than this.  You have a plan, you are good, you are faithful, and you will be my strength.”  So, while the world often hails me as brave for the things I face as the wife of a soldier, the real “brave stories” of my life have nothing to do with being a military spouse.

I grew up having one dream for my life.  I wanted to be a mom.  Being a mom, in my estimation, required having a husband, so that was a side goal to be met along the way.  I went to college to find a husband, not to get a degree.  (God knew this, so he made me wait to “find” my husband until after I graduated college.)  I was drawn to guys that were drawn to women that fit the description of everything I wanted to be but wasn’t (perfect hair, perfect make-up, perfect clothes, always on time, incredibly popular, successful in whatever they pursued, driven to succeed…basically the type of woman that seems to have it all together).  And one day, one of those guys actually gave me a second glance and we started dating.  We dated a couple of months and he said things that led me to believe he was thinking “marriage” in his pursuit of me.  The relationship ended suddenly and I did NOT handle it well.  Not only did it hit me so hard that I have blocked out entire chunks of time in my memory of that relationship, but I spent close to three years in anger toward God for bringing that guy into my life, getting my hopes up, and then ripping him away from me without any real explanation or closure.  I didn’t turn away from God, but I made sure to give Him the coldest cold shoulder when it came to sharing the depths of my heart with Him.  I still went to church, still prayed for others, and was still actively serving in ministries.  But I was deeply wounded and angry that He wasn’t giving me what I wanted.  

In the midst of my anger, God brought unlikely friends into my life.  People that I would have never been drawn to were proving to be the most faithful, unassuming, non-judgmental friends a girl could ever hope to find.  Several of those friends were godly young men.  And one of those godly young men has been my husband for almost fourteen years.  God used the failed relationship with its dashed dreams, the genuine love of devoted friends, and the relentless pursuit by this godly young man to reveal to me that I was trying to become someone He hadn’t made me to be.  To show me that I hoped if I could snag a guy typically drawn to a perfectly has-it-all-together woman, then I would be able to transform into that type of woman by dating and marrying a guy that wanted a woman like that.  I eventually realized that the godly young man I kept shooting down brought out the best that was already in me.  That the parts of my personality and character that I wanted to change actually shone brightly and beautifully when I was with him.  I liked who I was when I was with him and I actually felt like a better version of myself when we were together.  Our litmus test was: Do we glorify God better together than we do apart?  And the answer was, “Yes!”  Finally acknowledging I had feelings for him and being willing to date him with the understanding that we were moving toward marriage was one of the most terrifying things I had ever done.  But it was also one of the bravest things I ever did.

Fast forward roughly three years to our second year of marriage. Remember how my one big goal for my life was being a mom?  In our second year of marriage, we felt led to stop any attempts at preventing pregnancy.  I wasn’t “ready” yet to be a mom, but this was heavily laid on my heart and, after much prayer, my husband also felt the same conviction.  I just thought taking that step was bravery.  I had no idea in that moment that God was about to take us on a journey through infertility that would span close to a decade.  After six months of not preventing pregnancy, having only ever used a barrier method, we began to realize that something was probably wrong.  Still, I wasn’t ready to be a mom just yet.  We were living in Korea and I had a stressful teaching job, so we decided to just enjoy our freedom and not worry about it.  But then I noticed that God was introducing us to people that were struggling with infertility AND to people that had anywhere from five to eight children.  And I am ashamed to admit that I was drawn to the people with the big families because that was my goal, to have a big family, and I was avoiding the people that were infertile because my 26 years on the earth at that time had taught me that God usually brings people into my life that have been through something he’s about to bring me through.  That whole, “He comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God,“ thing that He does (2 Cor. 1:4).  And I wanted no part of it.  I wanted friends with big families that were as fertile as the day is long, and I wanted no part of facing the possibility that God might just not have planned for me to be a mom.  I had always said that I wanted as many children as God chose to give me.  I had never considered the possibility that the number might be zero.

We moved back to the United States and did the military life thing.  My husband deployed for 15 months and returned safely.  All the while, my desire to be a mom grew more intense.  I watched my sisters have children and I ached to have my own.  I was happy for them and for my friends who were having babies, but I was grieving with each announcement of pregnancy.  I stopped being able to hold other peoples’ babies.  I endured as many baby showers as I could emotionally handle and declined (or conveniently forgot) many others.  Once, when my husband and I were going to see a movie, the girl taking the ticket stubs was in a wheel chair.  And I noticed that she was staring at my legs.  As we walked away I said to my husband, “Did you see the way she was looking at my legs?  She had the same look on her face that I have on mine when I see pregnant women’s bellies.”  Each month, each and every month, I was reminded that my body, or my husband’s, was broken.  That once again we had failed to reproduce.  At the beginning of each cycle we would have hope that maybe this month we would get pregnant.  And at the end of each cycle we would grieve.  Sometimes we would grieve together and sometimes separately.  

While we were very much facing the same issue, our journeys through it were unique.  Men facing infertility are sometimes at a loss as to how to comfort their wives in the midst of it because the experience for them is so very different.  There was one point where my husband would frequently say to friends that he would be willing to adopt in a heartbeat but that I just wasn’t there yet.  I had to tell him more than once how painful it was for me to hear him say that.  I felt like the “bad guy” because I wasn’t in a place where I felt called to adopt.  I tried to explain to him that part of what I longed for was the experience of being pregnant.  He tried to understand, but it just didn’t make sense to him.  In his mind, the experience of being a dad wouldn’t be any different whether we adopted or I carried the child inside of me for nine months.  Then one day, he came home from his labor and delivery rotation in PA school and gave me a huge hug with tears in his eyes and he said, “I’m sorry.  I understand now.”  I was completely confused and asked what it was all about.  That day he had observed for the first time a woman give birth.  He explained that while she was pushing, she had a look of anguish and intensity on her face, but the moment they placed the baby in her arms, her face changed and she had the most beautiful look of love and joy as she held her baby.  He said, “I want that for you.  I want to see that look on your face.”  After that, the only time he ever mentioned adoption was when we were discussing between the two of us whether God was calling us to pursue that or not.

Years passed and God grew us through it all.  There were very low lows along the way, but for the most part our lives seemed normal.  There were odd things, like we kept joining the young marrieds classes at our new churches when we moved because everyone our age already had several children and we just didn’t seem to have a ton in common with them.  At about year six, I remember telling another friend of mine who was also walking through infertility that I suddenly realized that God had me “here, in this place, for a reason, and I want to do whatever He’s put me in this place to do.”  It was then that God turned my heart from one of needing others to minister to me on that road, to having a desire to minister to others.  Eventually, my husband and I were ministering to many couples facing infertility at various points along the journey.  Embracing our infertility, being “okay” with where God had me even though it wasn’t at all what I would have chosen for my life, and being willing to serve others facing the same thing was brave for me.  It was as if I was saying to God, “Okay, God.  If the number of children you have planned for me is zero, then that’s okay.  If you never call me to adopt, if you never make me pregnant, I will still praise you and I will still serve you, and I will still trust that you are good.”  That was HUGE for me.  The interesting thing to me in all of it is that I don’t ever remember being mad at God, even though I knew full well that He is the one who opens and closes the womb.  And even though I knew He was big enough to handle me being angry.  But because He had brought me through those three years of anger over a silly relationship, I didn’t have to go down that road with Him again.  And I’m so thankful.  Because I needed Him every single step of that journey.

There came a day, before my husband’s second deployment, that both of us, for the first time, were on the same page about a particular fertility treatment known as IVF (InVitro Fertilization).  That’s where healthy eggs are taken from the woman’s body and put in a petrie dish with the man’s sperm.  If the egg becomes fertilized and an embryo continues to grow then it’s transferred to the woman’s body with the expectation that it will implant and pregnancy will result.  (Fun fact: While the couple waits to see if the embryo implanted and they have a viable pregnancy, they are considered to be PUPO, which stands for Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.)  There had been times along the way that one or the other of us would bring up IVF, but always one of us wasn’t ready for that.  But this time, we had both been thinking and praying about it without yet mentioning it to the other for the same number of days and we both approached each other at the same time to discuss it.  We took that as a green light from God and we moved forward with it.  That whole experience is a story in itself.  The short version is that our IVF failed, but we had one frozen embryo.  The transfer of that beautiful frozen embryo resulted in pregnancy and eventually the birth of our beautiful daughter, Eleanor.

My dream had come true.  I was a mom.  It was a long road getting there, but there I was.  My husband and I discussed whether or not we were going to do IVF again and we ruled it out for a number of reasons.  We discussed adoption and that still wasn’t something we felt called to do.  By the end of the discussion I told my husband, “Well, if God wants us to have more children, He’s either going to have to call us clearly to adoption or make me pregnant again.”  We laughed, content with our daughter and happy to have her as an only child.  I made many plans and started dreaming about the kind of mom I would be and the kind of relationship I would have with my daughter.  I planned out things like preschool and dance lessons, music lessons and fun day trips.  The sky was the limit if she was our only one and I was ready to take on this new role.  She was one of the most compliant children I had ever met and I told her every day that I loved getting to know her.  I was constantly amazed by her.

Then one day at church as I was praying for various people, I heard God whisper to my heart, “Do not be afraid.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”  I was confused as to why my life’s verse would be so strongly and clearly placed on my heart, so I continued praying and I heard/felt the same thing, and also the promise that He is with me.  I was so shaken by it that I started looking around the sanctuary for a potential gunman.  When my husband went to get our daughter from the nursery, I began to worry that maybe they wouldn’t come back.  I was afraid that God was going to take one or both of them away from me.  Through the entire service there was the drumbeat of God’s reminder that He is with me and would bring me through whatever I was about to face.  When I got in the car to go home, I shared it with my husband.  We prayed about it and I felt better, and eventually we were in our Sunday afternoon routine.  Later that day, my husband casually asked when my last period was.  I did the math and he suggested I take a pregnancy test.  I laughed about it because I had taken a gajillion spontaneous pregnancy tests (not related to fertility treatments) and every single solitary one of them had been negative.  But I went through our ritual where I pee on the stick and wait the allotted time then let my husband read it and tell me the result.  When he acted weird I realized this time it was positive.  Sure enough, it was.  So I took more tests to confirm and we were pregnant.  And I was devastated.

Yes.  You read that right.  I was devastated.  I had a ministry, a blog, a twitter following of hundreds of infertile people, all based on the fact that I was infertile.  Yet, here I was, pregnant.  No treatments, no doctors, simply pregnant.  In the infertile community (and yes, there’s an entire online community of infertile people sharing their pain), there are several things that are complained about and even more things that simply aren’t tolerated.  One of the biggest complaints is about fertile people giving their wisdom and insight to infertile people in an attempt to give them hope (but in actuality it’s to make the fertile person feel better and more comfortable in the conversation because it truly is an uncomfortable topic).  It may be something like this: “Oh!  Have you considered adoption?  I have a friend whose cousin’s uncle adopted a baby and then his wife got pregnant!” Or this: “I’ve known so many people that couldn’t get pregnant because they were so stressed out, but once they stopped trying to get pregnant and stopped thinking about it, the next month they found out they were pregnant!”  But the one that was plaguing my mind as the “pregnant” sign was so clear on the digital test was this one: “I’ve heard that once you get pregnant from fertility treatments that your body suddenly knows what to do and you can get pregnant naturally after that any time you want!  I have a friend who did IVF and then they got pregnant twice after that on their own!”  And the thing that is absolutely not tolerated in the online infertility community is any person who starts out as infertile, gets pregnant with help, and then gets pregnant naturally.  They suddenly lose their status of “infertile” in the infertile community.  People get angry and they don’t want to hear anything you have to say.  As if all the years of infertility that you endured are suddenly negated.

It wasn’t easy for me to admit, and it took a long while for me to do so without pride and without justifying the way I felt about it, but my entire identity and significance was wrapped up in my being infertile.  Think back to what I mentioned in the last paragraph: I had a ministry.  I had a blog.  I had a following.  I was as famous as I was ever going to get and I was being effective and successful at something that was important to me.  I see a lot of “I’s” and “me’s” in that.  And God was essentially stripping all of that away with one true word: “Pregnant.”  And then it hit me that all of the dreams I had of what my life with Eleanor would look like would most likely never become reality.  There’s no way we would have the money now with two kids.  And I certainly wouldn’t have the time.  

I felt guilty.  I felt guilty for no longer being infertile.  I felt guilty for not being thrilled that I was pregnant.  I felt guilty a few days later when fatigue and morning sickness set in and I let Eleanor watch hours upon hours of television so I could lay on the couch all day, barely able to move or even provide food for her.  I felt guilty that I would never be able to invest in her the way I wanted to because of her having a sibling.  I felt guilty that I even had that thought.  Then when depression set in for the duration of the pregnancy, I felt guilty that the baby inside of me could feel it.  I felt guilty that I was even depressed.  I felt guilty that even though God had warned me ahead of time and promised that he would be with me that I wasn’t letting Him be enough.

But I endured.  To the majority of the world, I was without fear.  Only my husband and closest friends knew the truth about how I felt.  We discovered shortly after I learned I was pregnant that some herbs I was taking to balance hormones after some complications from Eleanor’s birth were what caused my body to be normal enough to get pregnant without medical intervention.  That made it a little easier to swallow.  We welcomed Henry into our family just two weeks before his sister Eleanor turned two.  His delivery and birth were very healing to my soul and to my body (Eleanor’s birth had been quite traumatic).  Eleanor walked into our bedroom just hours after he was born, having slept through the entire thing, and immediately (it was like a visible switch was flipped that I could see in her eyes), immediately she went from being the most compliant child to one of the most competitive, willful children I have ever met.

No one expects “motherhood” to be the subject of a time when God called a person to be brave.  Especially when that mother spent her entire life planning to be a mom and struggled for almost a decade to try to make that a reality.  But as I am now pregnant with our third child, due to be born the week between her brother’s second birthday and her sister’s fourth birthday, and I am once again dealing with depression in pregnancy (this time strictly because of hormones), God is calling me to be brave.  I lose my temper and yell way more than I feel is acceptable.  I see my failures more readily than my successes and I am fearful that I’m screwing things up with my kids on a regular basis.  But my kids aren’t accidents.  This road God has me on is exactly where He wants me to be.  I told my husband that we need to find a name for this third child that means refinement or sanctification because that’s exactly what God’s doing in me through this pregnancy.

In each of these stories where He has called me to be brave, what He is really calling me to do is trust Him.  He’s reminding me that He is sovereign, that He is good, and that He has a plan for me that is for my good and His glory.  The neat thing about it is that His plan for me involves people that I love dearly that I get to be with daily, and His plan for them involves me.  There are days lately where it takes courage for me to get out of bed, or not crawl back into it midday and pull the covers over my head in defeat.  There are days where I must endure the tantrums, the thousand “why’s” and “what did you say, Mama’s” and ask God to display the fruits of the Spirit in me in spite of the fact that I want to be the one having the tantrums at my kids (which I do sometimes).  It takes courage to look at my children’s behavior and let it be a mirror reflecting to me my own sinful attitudes and actions.  Were there days at the beginning of Henry’s life when I desperately longed for my daughter to be the compliant child she once was and I questioned God’s wisdom in giving her a sibling?  Yes, absolutely there were!  But He gently showed me that because of Henry, God is able to begin sanctifying her now in ways that may not have happened until college otherwise.  I would much rather my children face the realities of sin while I can speak into their lives readily than when they are at an age where they think they know more than I do and don’t want to listen.

I’ll leave you with these verses that were recently laid on my heart.

“The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” (Proverbs 16:9)

“‘Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.’” (Matthew 6:34)

My Son

Today someone asked me how many children I had. I said two. I told her about Amelia, my two year old who is bright and funny and adorable, and I told her about Eli, my 7 week old who is starting to grin a little bit and sleeps really well at night. I felt a tiny pang of guilt for saying I only have two children. Truth is that I have four children and two are in heaven.

Often when someone asks how many kids I have I reply with “I have four kids. Amelia is 2 years old, I lost Leonard and Sam in miscarriages, and Eli is 7 weeks old.” There is so much silence about miscarriages and I don’t want to add to it. I want to be a voice that says you are not alone after loosing a child. Tomorrow will come after you’ve lost a child. I want to support women who have felt this pain and be a part of the movement, even if it’s a small part, to remove the silence. One way I do this is by saying I have four children. People usually pause for a moment when I reply this way, unsure of what to do next. Sometimes they offer condolences. Sometimes they ask questions. Sometimes they respond with their own story of loss. Usually, people respond by recognizing that I’m a regular person with a messy life just like everyone else. Every time I reply that I have four children, I help raise awareness about pregnancy and infant loss. And so I’ll continue to do it.

But I don’t always say I have four kids. Sometimes, I say I have two. Sometimes, I don’t want to be genuine and open and honest with anyone who asks. Sometimes, I want to be a regular person with a non-messy life. The problem is that regular people don’t have non-messy lives. They have messy lives because life, real life, is messy. It comes with tears and heartache and tragedy and loss. It comes with wild emotions and hot tempers. It also comes with joy and laughter and hope and romance and all sorts of wonderful things that are also pretty messy.

Tonight as I nursed my sweet Eli before bed, this painting caught my eye. It was a gift from a dear friend after I lost Sam. My conversation from earlier in the day came to mind as I looked between this painting and my sweet, breathing, living little boy. I am so grateful this little guy here in my arms. I sure do miss my little guys that have already gone on ahead, though. Tonight, I held Eli a little bit tighter. I kissed his forehead a moment longer. I have four children.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Part 2

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and I am writing a three-part series on the topic with the hopes of contributing to the national conversation going on. I believe stories are powerful things, so last week in Part 1, that’s what I shared. You might forget statistics and facts. You might argue beliefs and opinions. But stories stick. They linger and take on a life of their own. So I did that last week. Even though I share my story often, it’s still a difficult thing for me. I do it anyway, though, because I want to encourage others who have been in similar situations. Also, I share my story often because I think it shines a light on Jesus. I’m mostly weak and helpless, but God can do mighty things through my life because of who He is. That is pretty evident in my story, I think.

If you do nothing else this month for PAIL Awareness, tell your story to at least one person. You don’t need to change your profile picture to the pink and blue filter. You don’t need to plant a tree in honor of babies lost. You don’t need to go to a rally with a sandwich board sign and raise awareness. All of these things are good, but all you need to do is open up and tell your story. That will be just as powerful, if not more powerful, than anything else you can do.

But what about when someone else loses a child? What do you do then? I can almost guarantee you know someone who has dealt with this in one form or another. One in four pregnancies end way too soon, and I’ll bet someone you are close to is that one person. How do we deal with that? How many casseroles do we make? Should we send cards? Flowers? When dropping things off, is it better to make a quick exit because she probably doesn’t want company or to stick around and be a shoulder to cry on? Should I watch her kids for an afternoon? Does her laundry need washing? Should I volunteer to do something for her or wait for her to ask for help? Do I ask questions to let her know I’m available to talk or keep quiet so I don’t seem nosy? Does she need a girls’ night out? Would a girls’ night in be better? Does she need chocolate and wine? Will wine make her cry because a week ago, she couldn’t have it for happy reasons?

Let me tell you, after having gone through this twice now, I’ve got some experience under my belt with these sorts of things. I’ve learned a thing or two about grief. And I don’t know the answer to any of those questions. Go ahead, roll your eyes. I am again asking questions without having answers. Well, sorry not sorry. These questions are worth asking even if they can’t be easily resolved.

Truly, every situation, every woman, every moment is different. I could make you a list of 14 Things to Never Say to a Mama Who’s Grieving or 10 Things to Give a Grieving Mom but that doesn’t address the real issue–how to deal with other’s grief. Lists give us something tangible, something measurable. I can do this, that, and this other thing and BOOM! Grief dealt with! Except it’s not. The pain is still there, sitting right next to the casserole, flower vase, and cards. The doctor’s words still echo in the silent moments alone, and no amount of casseroles will make it stop. So what do we do? How do we deal with it?

The truth is you don’t. Only time can ease the heartache that she feels, and all you can do in the meantime is flounder through trying to be there for her. Please bring a casserole. Please write her an encouraging note. Offer to do her dishes or her laundry. Offer to take her kids for the day. Invite her to dinner for a girls’ night out or invite her over for a girls’ night in. Be flexible with your time when you stop by so you can stay and listen or skedaddle. Please, please, please do all of these things. They are important because they (A) meet real needs that she and her family have, (B) tell her you love her and care for her, (C) help her to make it to the next moment, and (D) encourage her that she’s not alone. These things don’t really address the heartache, but they are important. Do them. But also know that you are just doing things and things don’t heal wounds.

So here’s the bottom line:
Pray for her. Pray for peace beyond understanding. Pray for room to grieve. Pray for comfort.
Pray for her husband and family. Pray they have the right words at the right time. Pray for comfort; they’re in pain, too. Pray for abundant grace in the home. 
Pray for yourself. Pray for the wisdom to know when to stay and when to go. Pray for the Lord to speak through you. Pray for a good, delicious recipe.
Pray for her community: her neighbors, her friends, her extended family, her coworkers. Pray they are gentle towards her, whether they are aware of the situation or not.

Above all else, pray for healing. Our Lord is Jehovah-rapha, the God Who Heals. 

Psalm 147:2-5

² The Lord builds up Jerusalem;

    he gathers the exiles of Israel.
³ He heals the brokenhearted
    and binds up their wounds.
⁴ He determines the number of the stars
    and calls them each by name.
⁵ Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
    his understanding has no limit.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Part 1

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.  This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world.  It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.

Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.”

Ronald Reagan on October 25, 1988

I have started this post about a hundred times over the past month, wanting to have something valuable to contribute to this national conversation about pregnancy and infant loss. But I don’t seem to know what to say. I am 1 in 4 but that doesn’t help you understand what I’ve gone through.

I’ve lost 2 children in miscarriage. I have 4 sisters-in-law, a mom, a step mom, and a mom-in-law.That’s a total of 8, including myself, adult women in my immediate extended family. Statistics say that out of those 8 women, 2 of us have experienced pregnancy or infant loss but that’s not reality. Reality is that 4 of us have dealt with it in one form or another that I know of. If we extend our statistics base to my extended family including cousins and aunts and such (a total of about 30 women) I can count at least 10 that have lost a child. Don’t zone out on me because of all those numbers. Stay with me a little bit longer. 
These are the losses that I know of. The number may be higher but not everyone talks about it. Not everyone tells others when it happens. The truth is that some women choose to walk through it alone. I get that. I was tempted to keep it to myself when we lost a child for the second time. I chose not to and I think you need to know why but I’ll need to start at the beginning for you to fully understand why.

Several years ago, before my husband and I were married but after we were engaged, I went through chemo and radiation. It saved my life. As a result, I wasn’t able to have children because the treatment had done too much damage. I knew it was a possibility going in but it was well worth the risk. I was alive.

After recovery, growing a little bit of hair back, and marrying the handsomest man alive, we started seeking out fertility treatments. We tried several different methods but nothing worked. Finally, after much prayer and frustration, we gave up.

It was not a defeated giving up, though. It was a God’s-got-this giving up. It was a why-are-we-stressing-about-this giving up. It was burden-off-my-shoulders giving up. My husband and I came to a point where we had nothing left within our own power to do without pouring all of our money into a treatment that may or may not work and decided to give it up to Jesus instead. It was ultimately His decision whether we would have biological children anyway. No matter how much money we spent on medical treatments, God is the ultimate Physician and it was up to Him to make it work or not.

So we stopped doing everything. We stopped all the pills, all the doctor’s appointments, everything. It was the first time I can remember that I felt real peace about what our family would look like in the future. That was October 2012. November 2012 we got pregnant. December 2012 we found out we were pregnant. August 2013 we held our baby daughter in our arms for the first time.

I didn’t really believe it was happening for a while. I needed to hear the heartbeat for myself before I believed it was real so by the time we knew (and believed) we were pregnant, it was almost the end of the first trimester, which is when most people tell others so we told everyone right away. I thought that if more people knew, it might feel more real to me. We put it on Facebook, we called family members, we basically shouted it from the rooftops! Not only was I pregnant after being told I would never be able to have kids, but my body didn’t look one bit like it had had radiation except for a few outside scars on my skin. On the inside, I looked like a normal healthy mid-20s woman. It was a miracle. We would be able to have more kids!

The pregnancy went very smoothly. The birth wasn’t perfect–nothing ever goes according to plan–but it was pretty dang close. I got pregnant again when my daughter Amelia was about 10 months old. This time we were watching for the signs so we knew we were pregnant pretty early on. I made my first appointment with the doctor, got a sonogram, and announced it on Facebook. We assumed it would all go super smooth like the first time.

It didn’t. We lost Leonard at week 10. It was heartbreaking. Absolutely heart wrenching. Nothing I have ever felt compares to the loss of a child.

It happens 1 in 4 pregnancies, my doctor told me and in my mind, that meant we had 2 more pregnancies to go before we might face this again. After  the D&C, we waited 3 months and tried again. Once more, we got pregnant right away and knew we were pregnant early on, at week 5. We went back and forth about whether to announce it right away like we did with Amelia and Leonard. If we announced it and then lost the baby, we’d have to deal with telling everyone again that we were not longer pregnant. I wasn’t sure if I could handle having to say it all again. Ultimately, we decided to announce. If we didn’t and then lost the baby, we would be dealing with a miscarriage alone and that seemed much worse than having say we had lost another child. So we told some close friends and family but before we had a chance to tell anyone else, I started cramping. Bad. We lost Sam at 6 weeks, only one week after finding out about him.

Two months later, about a week after what would have been Leonard’s due date, we discovered we were pregnant yet again. We discussed whether to wait until 12 weeks before telling anyone but quickly decided it was better for others to know. This was not something I could face without support. After telling close family and friends, we posted his first sonogram on Facebook. He was really really tiny.

Now we’re in the counting-the-days stage of pregnancy with Eli Augustus, Augie for short. We have the crib set up and the diapers ready to go. He’s almost constantly moving around. He’s much more active than Amelia was and he responds to her voice with a swift kick to my lungs. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms and see his sweet little face.

We are planning to have more children after Augie, as many as God will give us, and that means we may loose some more babies. I hope we never experience that again but I know that statistically, it’s very possible. We plan to announce each and every pregnancy, no matter how early. Now that you know my story, I hope you better understand my reasons.

1. I need support through the first trimester. I was a wreck during week 6 and week 10 with Augie. I was terrified I’d loose him too. Then I was afraid that my stress over possibly loosing him would be the cause of another miscarriage. So I started worrying about worrying too much. It was a convoluted mess of emotions and nonsense. Having friends sit by me and say “I understand. I remember this feeling exactly,” and having friends come alongside me to pray with me, cry with me, talk with me even if they didn’t understand what I was feeling, that made all the difference in the world.

2. I believe that life begins at conception and I want to celebrate that life no matter how long it lasts. Leonard and Sam were alive and life is something to rejoice in.

3. I am a broken person living in a fallen world who is saved only by the grace of God. I am not plastic or surface level. I do not live in a protective little churched bubble. I am a real person with real issues and real heartache. If I hide my struggles and my weaknesses, it is harder for others to see my need for God.

4. I have a voice and I can use that voice to raise awareness. Other women have lost babies and felt alone, isolated, guilty. I want to be apart of the movement to bring pregnancy and infant loss out of the dark so that women know they are not alone. They are loved and surrounded by others who do know what they are going through. I was amazed at how many ladies told me they had lost one or more babies after I began openly talking about Leonard. Women I had known for years and never knew they struggled through this.

I know we all deal with things differently and if you make a different choice than me, that is okay. I would even say it’s a good thing for your major life decisions to look different than mine. We aren’t cookie cutter people who all need to make the same choice for that choice to be right. But this is the decision we’ve made, the decision that is right for our family. We are going to keep getting pregnant as long as God allows. We are going to keep being open and honest about where our family is. We are going to be ready (as ready as we can be) for what God has in store for us.

Thursday Stories

Today’s brave story comes all the way from Brazil written by MOPs leader Klibelle Dudusch Simões. Morgan Perez translated for us to be able to read it today! I love her brave story about trusting God for provision! I hope you enjoy reading it!

Stories from Brazil

For days I’ve been thinking I’d write about how wonderful it is to live and to feel God’s care, but I didn’t even know where to begin; how to use the “right words”. Today I decided that it doesn’t matter…I’ll write it out and whoever wants to read it can.

Five years ago, when our daughter Bia was born, we decided that we wouldn’t have any more children. Yes, from the moment she was born…

We took everything into consideration: the work that goes into caring for a child, the expenses, the lack of money, the time commitment, this fallen world, the government, and our age (we’re not as young as we once were). Basically, all the stuff we parents know and worry about.

A few months ago, Bia started asking for a sibling, rather insistently. Some people told us to get her a dog; that this phase would pass. We prayed about it, but only the “scripted” way, and always putting our human concerns in the forefront, like the difficulty of becoming pregnant quickly (because I’m certain the necessary medicines, age, and even weight all play a huge role in that). That’s when I gave God an ultimatum (which is absolutely ridiculous) for a pregnancy timeline. I gave Him one month. (You read that right: one month.)

If it didn’t happen in that one month, it would be a confirmation that another little baby was not part of “God’s will” for us. Exactly one month later I got sick after drinking a glass of water: it was our new little baby. As soon as the pregnancy was confirmed, I began worrying about all the expenses we certainly couldn’t handle.

And that’s what I wanted to talk about: the care and love God has for us even when we’re disbelieving. God’s faithfulness, even when we’re unfaithful. God’s love that humbles me moment to moment. During one of my countless worrying sessions, my husband said, “We have to remember that we are not orphans in Christ, and He is the one who takes care of us.”

Amen! (And, as an orphan of earthly parents, this gave me tremendous peace, especially considering the context of the conversation.) We’ve been blessed in surprising ways: family, brother and sisters in Christ, friends….

But this message isn’t about telling people it’s wrong to have only one child, or that you should have two or more. Not in any way. It is up to every couple to make that decision for themselves. I’m trying to say that children are an inheritance from God. I’m not trying to tell you that you should reach beyond your means, but that God is the one who cares for us, that loves us, that always provides. This message is a public demonstration of God’s faithfulness, and about how wonderful it is to serve Him.

In all the hard times, He has sustained me. I know tough times will come, but I want to have my eyes turned to the Lord, because I know where my Help comes from.

“My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip-He who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.” Psalm 121:2-4