Thursday Stories

Hello friends! It has been a while since I’ve posted a Thursday story. My life has been absolutely hectic lately! Today’s writer is one my absolute best friends, Lauren. I love her honesty and sincerity. Reading her story hit me pretty hard. We all chase idols, we try to replace God with things that will simply never measure up. What is your idol? What do you need to let go of?
Stories from San Antonio
What scares you? My first thought, scorpions, always scorpions. I babysat some kids once who had them sitting in a glass jar, letting them, are you ready for this? Breed….ick.

But really, what really scares you? What reaches into your chest and squeezes your heart, drains the color from your face and sends those little pinpricks down your neck and arms? For me, nothing is scarier than being seen as normal, static, average. Success, and achievement, those are the things that always kept me going. Striving towards the next thing, the next chance to prove how valuable I was. I succeeded all the way through school, all the way through a master’s degree as a Physician Assistant, up to getting a job with a well respected doctor treating severely burned patients. Life and death? I saw that everyday. I have seen a heart beating in front of me, participated in spinal surgery, I’ve been a part of some amazing stories.

Then, the first week I started work, I discovered I was pregnant with my first baby.

It took all I had to tell my boss that I would be leaving, a few months after I had started, to be a stay at home mom. The fear started creeping in. What was the point of it all? Why all the hard work and money spent? Is your whole life just going to be about raising kids then? Then those kids will grow up and raise kids who will grow up and raise kids on and on into perpetuity with my life just a blip on the radar? The essence of a valuable thing is scarcity. If my life was just going to be one life, in a line of lives, what made it special?

Then we moved back to the city I grew up in and I began my new role as housewife. I went through a serious crisis, and a very real depression set in. I started trying to come up with ways to prove that I was still valuable, that I still had something to contribute, other than dishes, and laundry, and making dinner. I struggled to define myself as something other than wife and mother.

Then I picked up a book that I had started a year ago, The Reason for God by Tim Keller. It was as if God had saved the last part of the book for me to read when I needed it most. The things I had been chasing, authority, success, praise, an impressive resume, those things would always fail me. It hit home. After I had finished my Masters and started working, all the things I thought I’d feel weren’t there. Accomplished, complete, successful. I woke up the morning after graduation and I was still just me. My own striving was still not enough for me to prove to myself that I was valuable. I had made success an idol, and a very deeply rooted idol at that.

So I went back to the drawing board. If I was going to be wife and mother I would do it to God’s glory! I’d raise my son to do great things, and I’d manage our budget so that my husband and I would be able to give large amounts to charity, or, start our own charity! At this time I was still pregnant and so I started filling my days with volunteer work. Telling myself, babies are portable, I want my son to see his mom doing good things for others and I want him to grow up helping others. I told myself, once he was born I’d give myself 4 weeks to recover, then I’d be back doing all these things.

Hah. You see where this is going.

I was still falling down in front of the same idol. It had a different face, but underneath was the same corruption, and even more insidious than the first. The ways I was choosing to worship my idol were all good things, generosity, charity, hard work, personal sacrifice, but in the end I knew they would never be enough. All the accolades from other people, telling me how great of a person I was or saying “I don’t know how you do it” would never be enough. They hadn’t been enough before, in fact, I had always felt that I tricked people into thinking I was smarter than I really was. My striving for approval was an addiction. There is such a high when someone says “great job, I’m so impressed with *insert achievement here*” and then comes the crash as I pour over my performance and tear myself apart over nit picky details and convince myself that I am no one special. So the cycle begins again as I strive for the next accomplishment, needing more and more to achieve the same high.

Then my son was born, and he was perfect. I was knocking this mom thing out of the park. Breastfeeding? No problem! Getting out to vote when he was 5 days old? Check! Waking up every 2 hours to feed a squirmy baby? Got it! Then the true fatigue set in, the zombie level, no shower, sit on the couch and cry for no reason tired. I realized 4 weeks wasn’t going to be enough, 8 weeks then I told myself.

Isn’t it funny how stubborn we can be? God could write us a message in our alphabet soup and we’d marvel at the soup company. Thankfully God is infinitely patient with his hard headed children.

I can’t point to a single event, a specific time when the light switch was flicked on, where I came to realize I had missed the point. That my value came from the one thing that could never fail me. That God’s son had given his life for me and because there was only one God, with one son, with one life, and it had been traded for mine, that meant my life was infinitely valuable. I can’t say that I feel valuable every single moment of my day. I still struggle with the fact that I have done nothing to deserve this level of value. The Lord created me valuable, he sees through all the gunk and muck sin has placed around my heart, to the very essence of the person he created me to be. His love will never fail me, that makes Him worthy of my worship.

“Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us […] There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” 1 John 4:15-18

I have been bought for a price far exceeding that of the most precious gems. I needn’t fear the day to day, nor do I need to prove my worth.

Thursday Stories

There’s this little redheaded girl I know that is a bright ray of sunshine everywhere she goes. She’s full of smiles and laughter and imagination. Today’s brave story is written by her mama and my good friend, Bekah, who is also full of smiles and laughter and Jesus. I hopeyou enjoy today’s brave story!

Stories from San Antonio
Along with a 4 year old and a 9month old, I have a beautiful and vibrant 2 year old daughter named Penelope (Penny for short). With a head full of copper hair, she is full of laughter and light. She gives super great hugs and is growing each day.

Penny came into the world so smoothly it was unreal. My pregnancy had been normal, I went into labor naturally before my due date, and I was able to snag a shower, a large french fry and an extra large Diet Coke all before making it to the delivery room. We had good friends visit and witness her birth, my recovery was full of gifts, sleep and even more Diet Coke. We took our new bundle home and started the transition to being a family of four.

Bringing home any baby is hard. The first time you wonder “Will I ever sleep again?” “Will I ever get to have a nice outfit without baby goober all over it?” and so on.

Bringing home the second baby presents new challenges and you wonder “Will my first child ever accept this new addition?” “Will I ever get to eat sitting down?” and the list goes on.

Well it turns out that bringing home baby number two for us would turn out to bring many more questions than I ever expected.

10 weeks into the new routine , many sleepless nights filled with crying, vomit, and extended feedings, my baby was still at her birth weight. I had been to the pediatrician many times trying to find an answer and an end to our misery. We were dying of fatigue, burdened with worry and hopeless in our pursuit of answer. A diagnosis of GERD, a dairy allergy and a prescription later, things still weren’t better. No one could figure out why Penny wasn’t growing.

Finally, my nurse practitioner threw up her hands and informed me that Penny had fallen off the bottom of the growth chart. She was afraid that the problem was too big for the pediatric office to handle without more information so they sent us to the local hospital for testing. Being admitted under the diagnosis of “Failure to thrive” we were escorted into our room by a rather upbeat staff. Their positive attitudes seemed incongruent with our situation. My heart was writhing with agony for my child.My baby was failing to thrive. My baby. MY baby.

After arriving at the first hospital, they checked her blood oxygen level. The nurses seemed confused, but not worried. They said they were unable to get a good reading so it was standard to warm the baby to increase circulation to insure the reading would be more accurate. After an hour of trying to get an acceptable number for the blood oxygen count, they sent for the doctor. He came to me and asked what Penny’s normal levels were. I answered that this was the first time to my knowledge that she had had this stat read. He informed me that a normal blood oxygen level is 98-100 and Penny’s was reading upper 60’s. He ordered a chest x ray. After more than an hour, he returned to our room and sat on the bed. I had had enough experience with doctors to know that sitting the bed with a face full of pity was not something this momma wanted to see. He told me that Penny’s heart was enlarged and her lungs were filling up with blood.

We were transferred quickly to a premier children’s hospital for further diagnostic testing. After a whirlwind of 24 hours, it was determined that Penny was going to be needing open heart surgery… the following morning. We were given the information.

… Some children after having open heart surgery also will need a lung transplant…

… You can expect your baby to be in a lot of pain when she wakes up, but we will help you manage the pain while you are with us…

… You won’t be able to hold your baby for quite some time post-op…

I could not believe it. Less than 36 hours of being sent to the first hospital I was going to have to hand MY baby over to people I didn’t know, to cut her open on purpose. I was relieved to have answers, but this is not what I had envisioned for my tiny precious baby who graced the world so effortlessly in the beginning.

As we were preparing for the impending surgery, I was told that I would have to stop nursing Penny by midnight that night so she would be able to have the procedure. I remember looking down at this teeny 7 pound baby at my breast. I was so overwhelmed with fatigue, sadness, worry, and fear. The clock was ticking and I could feel the weight of the seconds.

Tick…
“This could be the last time I ever hold her alive.”

Tock…
“This could be the last time I nurse her.”

Tick…
“I don’t want to lay her down to sleep because those are precious hours that I may never get back again.”

Tock…
“What if I never get to bring her back home?”

I cried. I shook with tears. I was overwhelmed with grief. But then, a few minutes before our midnight cut off, I heard God whisper. I knew what He was going to say and I didn’t want to hear it.

He talked anyway.

I knew in that moment He was calling me. Calling me to trust Him. Calling me to be brave. Calling me to love Him and His glory more than I loved my daughter. I knew I had to make a choice. So I prayed words that I meant so deeply that I couldn’t even speak them out loud.

“Lord, you can have my daughter if that is what you need to bring yourself glory. If you need her in heaven, you can have her”

Soon an ease came over me. Not a wave or a rushing wind, but slow and warm like placing cold hands that have been longing for heat near a flame. I knew that the outcome of Penny’s surgery was going to be more than just ok.  I knew that regardless of whether she survived or not that God was using it to make Himself more famous.

Well, the next day Penny did survive surgery. Those 6 hours while she was having the procedure were the most peaceful hours of my ENTIRE life. I knew. I knew that God’s will would be done and that I wanted that more than anything I could have in this world. When we received the phone call that surgery was over and we could come up and see her in recovery, I cried tears of joy, overwhelming joy that my baby was whole once more. We stayed in the hospital for two weeks to monitor her weight gain, the level of fluid in her lungs and her tolerance for pain. And over the course of those two weeks, the Lord revealed to us so many ways that His hand was evident in the process of our baby girl’s journey.

He provided a Christian nurse practitioner who was humble enough to confess that she didn’t know the answers. The Doctor at the first hospital visited us and told us he was a deacon at his church and the only shift he was working that whole weekend was the one that we came to the hospital during. That same doctor told us he convinced the radiologist to diagnose an enlarged heart so we would be transferred to the better hospital. God provoked many of our brothers and sisters in Christ to visit, send money and meals to the hospital so we could have fellowship and share in Penny’s recovery. He also provided opportunities for us to share our faith with nurses, church members and out of state friends.

After those two tiresome weeks, we returned home to walk the long road of recovery and are now running full force on the other side. I am so overwhelmed by the Lord’s grace. He let me have my baby! He let me have MY baby back.
He brought me through by bringing me to the bottom. He gave me an opportunity to be brave by being weak. He gave me the strength to pray a brave prayer in the depths of my heart to the only one who can make me brave, Him.

Thursday Stories

This week’s brave story is from a young mom I had the privilege of getting to know through MOPs. Her story is incredible. She is being brave in the face of uncertainties and nont-normal-ness and she is rocking it. I hope you are inspired by her story!

Stories from San Antonio

When have I had to be brave? Well I’m not sure if I can call it being brave, scared, or just thrown into a situation that I had absolutely no control over. You might call it bravery, but I call it my life.
When I was in my second trimester with my daughter, I found out that she had what’s called a two-vessel umbilical cord. This means that she only had one artery and one vein, as opposed to two arteries and two veins found in a healthy umbilical cord. My OB doctor told me there was nothing to worry about, but after my mom did some research on it and found out that there’s a chance my baby could have heart or kidney problems, I asked to see a specialist.
That first appointment with the specialist did not go as well as I could have hoped. The doctor found out she had a Ventricular Septal Defect (VSD), which meant that the ventricle wall had a hole in it, which also means poor circulation. The size of this hole would determine if she was going to need surgery or not when she was born. At this appointment, I also agreed to an amniocentesis because if anything else was wrong I just wanted to know. Knowing was good because that gave me time before baby was born to prepare my mind and my heart. Thankfully my daughter did not have any chromosomal abnormalities. All was well except her poor little heart.
For the rest of my pregnancy, I had ultrasounds at every appointment, as well as an echocardiogram to make sure my little angel was okay and to monitor the progress of her heart, whether that was good or bad. We suspected that she had a second defect, but could never get a good enough view because her sweet little arms always covered her heart. We were hoping that she was just going to surprise us with no more defects when she was born, and that it was her way of keeping it a surprise!
Lydia Sharee’ Hancock was born January 29, 2013, four weeks early at 4 lbs., 10 oz. I saw her for five minutes before they whisked her away to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) to do another echocardiogram so that they could check her heart again. Finding out if your newborn’s circulation is healthy is not something you wait to do. It turned out Lydia had VSD as well as coarctation of the aorta. The Mayo Clinic defines this as “a narrowing of the aorta, the large blood vessel that branches off your heart and delivers oxygen-rich blood to your body.” We found out soon afterwards that Lydia had a severe case. She was given an IV and later a PICC line that delivered a constant dose of prostin to keep an extra valve in her heart open that otherwise closes soon after birth. This valve is used in utero to deliver oxygen to the rest of the body while the lungs are not in use.
We decided about two weeks later that Lydia needed heart surgery sooner rather than later. Long story short, she had open heart surgery with bypass on February 19, 2013. They had to reopen her chest as soon as they got to the PICU after surgery because the edema was so severe. She went into cardiac arrest three days later, had CPR and an AED used on her for over 30 minutes with no oxygen to her brain. She was on ECMO (bypass) for three days because she went into heart, lung and kidney failure, had her chest open for 8 days, had numerous drainage tubes sticking out of her chest, and she had to have peritoneal dialysis.

This mamma was a mess! That was the hardest thing I have ever had, and I think I will ever have, to go through.

I have a hard time calling it bravery because it was a situation that was out of control. I was right in the middle of it, and couldn’t do anything but stand by as nurses and doctors worked tirelessly around the clock to save my baby’s life. I remember asking them, “Is she okay? Will she get better?” and the nurses would look at me with the most sad look in their eyes and just say, “Your daughter is very sick.” That’s it. I’m tearing up now just thinking about it. I was 19 years old and had just been through what most moms don’t even know that other moms go through. Who knew??
Looking back, I know it was the grace of God that got me through those hard times. Right now, almost two years later I am still performing daily acts of bravery. Lydia is lovely, and she is doing the best she has ever been, but she still has so many things going on right now: brain damage, severe developmental delay, hydrocephalus with a VP shunt, epilepsy, tracheotomy, ventilator, gtube, reflux, ketogenic diet, up to 6+ meds twice a day, nurses at my house almost around the clock to help me take care of her, occupational, physical and speech therapy, case managers, monthly medical supply orders–the list is endless! I am constantly seeking out God’s help.

I have my ups and downs. Sometimes I get by just fine and really enjoy my daughter. Other times, I really struggle and just don’t want to deal with it.

I know people like to say that, “God only gives you what you can handle.” I have to say that after being Lydia’s mom I know that God definitely gives you things that you CANNOT handle. He wants you to lean on Him so that He can handle them for you! Psalm 138:3 says, “In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul,” Another verse: “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Cor. 12:9).

I’m not really sure how else to end this because this journey is still ongoing for me, and it is a daily struggle. But all I know is that studying my Bible, praying, growing closer to Him, and spending time with my daughter has helped me work through this. Lydia has taught me more than I ever could have imagined, and she still teaches me daily.

Here are some verses that really speak to me in my situation. Really pay attention to what they say when you read them:

Lamentations 3:22-24 New International Version (NIV)
22 Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”

Zephaniah 3:17 New Living Translation (NLT)
17 For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.[a]
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

1 Peter 5:6-7 New Living Translation (NLT)
6 So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. 7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Jeremiah 29:11 New Living Translation (NLT)
11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”

Thursday Stories

Welcome back to Thursday Stories! This week, we are hearing from a dear friend of mine, Haley. In the time I’ve known her, I have seen God move in powerful ways in her life. She is unashamed of her vulnerability and is always ready to point to Christ as her source of strength, which she seems to have more of in her little finger than I have in my whole body. I hope you  are inspired by Haley’s story!

Stories from San Antonio

When Aly asked me to do this I was really excited, but at that moment–AND since–I have been really scared! I am NOT brave. Thoughts of inadequacy, “I’m just a normal, ordinary girl who has MS, what do I have to say?” Satan is trying to defeat me through all of these thoughts, but I’m not going to let him. It’s a constant battle, right? Here’s some of my story:

In 2000, I drove with my parents to the neurologist because I was having some eye problems. They told me it might be multiple sclerosis. I was 20, and the eye didn’t seem like a big deal. I remember my parents crying and my thinking that it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t really affect me, so I was okay with it. I was so naïve.

I had intravenous steroids and was back in my regular life routine in a few days. Not a big deal.

Jarrod (my wonderful husband) and I dated in college, and he knew that I might have MS. We graduated from college and got engaged, and he started medical school and I started teaching first grade. We got married and lived in Augusta, GA. We had no idea, but such fun and EASY times! Jarrod and I would meet at the gym after work (it was across from our apartment) and then run home. We were very involved in our church. I was the children’s assistant at our church and told the Bible stories, and planned a lot of the curriculum. It was fun, and I loved it!

In 2006, we had our first “trial” where our trust and dependence on God was put to the test. Jarrod and I were set to move to Cleveland, OH, and begin his residency at the Cleveland Clinic. I was very excited about snow. (I’m a southerner and had NO idea!) The Air Force paid for my husband’s medical school, and they needed his time first, so we stayed in Georgia for a year. I questioned God A LOT during that time. My husband is such a hard worker! I wondered, how could a good God hold him back from continuing his dreams? Now I look back and see God’s plan unfolding all along. I had 20 weeks of a healthy pregnancy in Georgia, and we got to  celebrate with my family and friends. That extra year for my hubby and me was a good year for our marriage, our jobs, and especially for our relationship and dependence on God.

We moved to Cleveland, OH, at the end of June 2007. My husband kept his residency position at a great hospital. I was 22 weeks pregnant, and on July 3, 2007, our lives changed forever.

My left side (mostly my leg) started to give out, and I went to my new obstetrician that day. I could tell from his conversation (that he didnt think I could hear) with the other docs that it was bad. My in-laws,  who live in Ohio, were wonderful and took me to the hospital. They confirmed I had had a BIG MS relapse, so therapy started and I worked on strengthening my left leg again. I ended up with a limp on my left side and a healthy baby boy. The MS specialist told my husband and me that it was very rare for a relapse to happen in pregnancy, and usually people with MS had children and were healthy. Around Grayson’s birthday I started getting antsy for more children, and so my husband and I tried again and, surprise! We found out at seven weeks that we were having twins. Surprised is not even adequate enough to describe our reactions. Twins? My body didn’t handle having one baby well. How would i handle two? Was God sure? I delivered two healthy babies on August 25, 2010–a precious boy and girl.  However, my body did not do well. My left side started to weaken and did not recover. I went from walking with a limp to a cane, then a walker, and now I’m mostly in a wheelchair. I ride an electric scooter around the block while my kids ride their bikes. I grocery shop early every Saturday morning so my husband can watch the kids, and it won’t be so busy to get through the store with an electric scooter. I’m not an organized person, BUT by necessity I’ve become one. I have several appointments each week–doctor appointments, therapies, Bible study–and our children are seven and four, so they have several things each week, too. Every day takes SO MUCH planning and dependence on other people. It’s HARD.

Our lives are SO different than we ever would’ve imagined! However, my family has learned more about the faithfulness and love of God than we ever would have imagined!

One of my absolute heroes in the faith is Joni Earkeson Tada, and I find a lot of encouragement in her writings. This quote was from her very first book after an accident left her a paraplegic: “There are two joys. One is having God answer all your prayers, the other is not receiving the answer to all your prayers. I believe this is because I have found that God knows my needs infinitely better than I know them. And He is utterly dependable no matter which direction our circumstances take us.”

To those words from one of my heroes, I can only add, ditto. Glory to God!

Thursday Stories

Today’s brave story is from a friend that I have known a very long time. She has a beautiful and huge family who, though they didn’t know it, partially influenced my desire for a large family.  Cassie and her siblings have been through many trials together and are now on the adult side of life, living for Jesus. I hope you are encouraged by her story!

Stories from Houston

Bravery was not the word that came to mind when I heard that I had melanoma. I was shocked and really unsure of what was going to happen. It was my first trip ever to the dermatologist, but that was my result: melanoma on my chest. I was told that I had to go to a plastic surgeon for surgery the next week.

I went to the consultation not really knowing what to expect, and when I learned that I was going to have a three-inch incision plus all the tissue taken for an inch radius around and under the spot, I was scared. Scared of what it would look like, what the surgery would feel like with only local anesthesia, and what the healing process would be. Looking back it seems like it all happened so quickly, but while I was going through it I felt the emotional side of it all very poignantly.

My sweet then-boyfriend, now-fiancé, Levi, was very supportive and joined me in prayer for peace for my spirit. Several of my close friends and family knew about it and were praying, as were people I did not even know from Levi’s college. God gave me a peace about the whole thing that I never expected, and I walked into the surgery feeling very brave and thankful to God for the support and love He had surrounded me with.

The surgery itself was very stressful, as I could feel the surgeon working on me and… it was bad. I was very glad to be done with it, though I did not feel that I could rest easy just yet. You see, I had another spot in the same area that the surgeon thought I should get biopsied to be sure it was not melanoma as well. So I scheduled another appointment with the dermatologist and sure enough, she saw it and thought it needed to be checked.

I waited for almost a week expecting a call, when finally I received a letter in the mail saying it was a dysplastic nevus. Not a regular spot, but not melanoma either. For now, nothing further is required. I have to go back to the dermatologist every three months for a year to get checked over to make sure it does not show up somewhere else, but for now, I’m cancer-free.

I’m still dealing with the feeling of loss, but I have an amazing fiancé who is quick to assure me of his love for me even with scars and such. God is a good God, and I’m thankful for His unfailing faithfulness to me. Proverbs 31:25 was a focus for me during a time God asked me to be brave, and it’s worth sharing: “She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”