Pregnancy and Infant Loss Part 1

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.  This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world.  It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.

Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.”

Ronald Reagan on October 25, 1988

I have started this post about a hundred times over the past month, wanting to have something valuable to contribute to this national conversation about pregnancy and infant loss. But I don’t seem to know what to say. I am 1 in 4 but that doesn’t help you understand what I’ve gone through.

I’ve lost 2 children in miscarriage. I have 4 sisters-in-law, a mom, a step mom, and a mom-in-law.That’s a total of 8, including myself, adult women in my immediate extended family. Statistics say that out of those 8 women, 2 of us have experienced pregnancy or infant loss but that’s not reality. Reality is that 4 of us have dealt with it in one form or another that I know of. If we extend our statistics base to my extended family including cousins and aunts and such (a total of about 30 women) I can count at least 10 that have lost a child. Don’t zone out on me because of all those numbers. Stay with me a little bit longer. 
These are the losses that I know of. The number may be higher but not everyone talks about it. Not everyone tells others when it happens. The truth is that some women choose to walk through it alone. I get that. I was tempted to keep it to myself when we lost a child for the second time. I chose not to and I think you need to know why but I’ll need to start at the beginning for you to fully understand why.

Several years ago, before my husband and I were married but after we were engaged, I went through chemo and radiation. It saved my life. As a result, I wasn’t able to have children because the treatment had done too much damage. I knew it was a possibility going in but it was well worth the risk. I was alive.

After recovery, growing a little bit of hair back, and marrying the handsomest man alive, we started seeking out fertility treatments. We tried several different methods but nothing worked. Finally, after much prayer and frustration, we gave up.

It was not a defeated giving up, though. It was a God’s-got-this giving up. It was a why-are-we-stressing-about-this giving up. It was burden-off-my-shoulders giving up. My husband and I came to a point where we had nothing left within our own power to do without pouring all of our money into a treatment that may or may not work and decided to give it up to Jesus instead. It was ultimately His decision whether we would have biological children anyway. No matter how much money we spent on medical treatments, God is the ultimate Physician and it was up to Him to make it work or not.

So we stopped doing everything. We stopped all the pills, all the doctor’s appointments, everything. It was the first time I can remember that I felt real peace about what our family would look like in the future. That was October 2012. November 2012 we got pregnant. December 2012 we found out we were pregnant. August 2013 we held our baby daughter in our arms for the first time.

I didn’t really believe it was happening for a while. I needed to hear the heartbeat for myself before I believed it was real so by the time we knew (and believed) we were pregnant, it was almost the end of the first trimester, which is when most people tell others so we told everyone right away. I thought that if more people knew, it might feel more real to me. We put it on Facebook, we called family members, we basically shouted it from the rooftops! Not only was I pregnant after being told I would never be able to have kids, but my body didn’t look one bit like it had had radiation except for a few outside scars on my skin. On the inside, I looked like a normal healthy mid-20s woman. It was a miracle. We would be able to have more kids!

The pregnancy went very smoothly. The birth wasn’t perfect–nothing ever goes according to plan–but it was pretty dang close. I got pregnant again when my daughter Amelia was about 10 months old. This time we were watching for the signs so we knew we were pregnant pretty early on. I made my first appointment with the doctor, got a sonogram, and announced it on Facebook. We assumed it would all go super smooth like the first time.

It didn’t. We lost Leonard at week 10. It was heartbreaking. Absolutely heart wrenching. Nothing I have ever felt compares to the loss of a child.

It happens 1 in 4 pregnancies, my doctor told me and in my mind, that meant we had 2 more pregnancies to go before we might face this again. After  the D&C, we waited 3 months and tried again. Once more, we got pregnant right away and knew we were pregnant early on, at week 5. We went back and forth about whether to announce it right away like we did with Amelia and Leonard. If we announced it and then lost the baby, we’d have to deal with telling everyone again that we were not longer pregnant. I wasn’t sure if I could handle having to say it all again. Ultimately, we decided to announce. If we didn’t and then lost the baby, we would be dealing with a miscarriage alone and that seemed much worse than having say we had lost another child. So we told some close friends and family but before we had a chance to tell anyone else, I started cramping. Bad. We lost Sam at 6 weeks, only one week after finding out about him.

Two months later, about a week after what would have been Leonard’s due date, we discovered we were pregnant yet again. We discussed whether to wait until 12 weeks before telling anyone but quickly decided it was better for others to know. This was not something I could face without support. After telling close family and friends, we posted his first sonogram on Facebook. He was really really tiny.

Now we’re in the counting-the-days stage of pregnancy with Eli Augustus, Augie for short. We have the crib set up and the diapers ready to go. He’s almost constantly moving around. He’s much more active than Amelia was and he responds to her voice with a swift kick to my lungs. I cannot wait to hold him in my arms and see his sweet little face.

We are planning to have more children after Augie, as many as God will give us, and that means we may loose some more babies. I hope we never experience that again but I know that statistically, it’s very possible. We plan to announce each and every pregnancy, no matter how early. Now that you know my story, I hope you better understand my reasons.

1. I need support through the first trimester. I was a wreck during week 6 and week 10 with Augie. I was terrified I’d loose him too. Then I was afraid that my stress over possibly loosing him would be the cause of another miscarriage. So I started worrying about worrying too much. It was a convoluted mess of emotions and nonsense. Having friends sit by me and say “I understand. I remember this feeling exactly,” and having friends come alongside me to pray with me, cry with me, talk with me even if they didn’t understand what I was feeling, that made all the difference in the world.

2. I believe that life begins at conception and I want to celebrate that life no matter how long it lasts. Leonard and Sam were alive and life is something to rejoice in.

3. I am a broken person living in a fallen world who is saved only by the grace of God. I am not plastic or surface level. I do not live in a protective little churched bubble. I am a real person with real issues and real heartache. If I hide my struggles and my weaknesses, it is harder for others to see my need for God.

4. I have a voice and I can use that voice to raise awareness. Other women have lost babies and felt alone, isolated, guilty. I want to be apart of the movement to bring pregnancy and infant loss out of the dark so that women know they are not alone. They are loved and surrounded by others who do know what they are going through. I was amazed at how many ladies told me they had lost one or more babies after I began openly talking about Leonard. Women I had known for years and never knew they struggled through this.

I know we all deal with things differently and if you make a different choice than me, that is okay. I would even say it’s a good thing for your major life decisions to look different than mine. We aren’t cookie cutter people who all need to make the same choice for that choice to be right. But this is the decision we’ve made, the decision that is right for our family. We are going to keep getting pregnant as long as God allows. We are going to keep being open and honest about where our family is. We are going to be ready (as ready as we can be) for what God has in store for us.

Thursday Stories

Today’s story is from a fellow MOPs member, Abigail Castro. Her story hits close to home for me. I hope you are encouraged by her bravery!

Stories from San Antonio

When I think of my life I have had many opportunities to be brave for Jesus: sharing my faith with my peers and strangers, going on mission trips, financial giving, loss, the list continues. But I would have to say the situation I have had to be bravest and struggled with the most with Jesus would be with my fertility. Strangely enough my journey with infertility began with a pregnancy eight months after getting married, but quickly ended in miscarriage. I am one of five children and loved being a part of a large family, so naturally I have desired to have children of my own. Having a miscarriage was big loss for me. To lose a little life left me broken-hearted. We waited a few months and then began to try for another child. Six months – nothing, I wasn’t too worried. A year, nothing. Though I knew it could take time for some couples, I expected pregnancy to happen easily for me because all of my family members were very fertile. So every month that passed after a year, I became more anxious and turned more towards myself.

Finally we went to my doctor to investigate what may be causing me to not become pregnant. I had to have a surgery to rule out certain possibilities which led to the discovery that something unique was indeed occurring with my body. I have a unicorniate uterus which is half a uterus. This causes it to be difficult to become pregnant and hard to maintain a full pregnancy. This again worried me. I turned to my anxiety as if it gave me some sense of control. Researching my condition and trying to figure out how I could get pregnant became a daily routine. It seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant, which discouraged me. I compared my insides to their outsides and wondered if I would ever get pregnant or have children. My focus was more and more that I am broken and my body doesn’t work. I felt desperate. I struggled with culturally embedded messages that if only I were good enough I would get what I want and life would be easy. Even though I knew this was false, I still continued to fight these thoughts. It seemed every month that passed, the more desperate I felt. I wasn’t stopping to consider God might have something for me to learn during this time. But God graciously kept loving me and drawing me to him. One night while journaling, God spoke to me. He said, “Abigail, if I don’t give you a child will you still love me?” I cried and cried and said, “Though I would be sad Jesus, I would still love you.” To me, God wanted me to desire Him above all, love Him above all and change my focus. I wish after this incident I could say I surrendered it all, but that’s not true. I still clumsily muttled my way through my desire to have children and giving that desire to God and loving His heart first. As I mentioned before my focus was on me and what I could do.

After three years, I finally surrendered. I tried everything I could in my power. I applied for a teaching position and the morning of my interview I found out I was pregnant. Fear and excitement swept over me. I was excited about possibly having a child and afraid I would lose it. I decided that worrying wouldn’t really help me keep the baby and it would steal my joy. I had to be brave for Jesus and with Jesus. A verse that really calmed me during this pregnancy was Philippians 4:6-7 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus.” (New Living Bible Paraphrased) Every time I would feel fearful I would run to God, I had to do this daily! I had a beautiful baby boy nine weeks early which presented more struggles, but so much joy!

Parenthood is a whole new journey for me. I have hard times and easy wonderful times. I am learning that it is just one more area that God meets me and I can grow. In all, I am thankful for my struggle because in my struggles I grow closer to God. I was changed through this struggle and I learned more about my relationship with God, areas and ideas that God wanted to change in me. Jesus Christ saved me from the depths of my sin and made me free! I am able to know, learn, grow and love my brave Jesus through all life’s experiences. I will end with a verse from Romans 5:3-5 “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials for we know that they are good for us- they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady. Then, when that happens, we are able to hold our heads high no matter what happens and know that all is well, for we know how dearly God loves us, and we feel this warm love everywhere within us because God has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” (New Living Bible Paraphrased)

My grandpa used to say, “Hun, thank God for the good and bad because he uses both for his glory.” He certainly does. He not only uses the good situations in our life but the bad to shape us, and make us more brave for Him and His purposes.

Thursday Stories

Today’s brave story is from a friend that I have known a very long time. She has a beautiful and huge family who, though they didn’t know it, partially influenced my desire for a large family.  Cassie and her siblings have been through many trials together and are now on the adult side of life, living for Jesus. I hope you are encouraged by her story!

Stories from Houston

Bravery was not the word that came to mind when I heard that I had melanoma. I was shocked and really unsure of what was going to happen. It was my first trip ever to the dermatologist, but that was my result: melanoma on my chest. I was told that I had to go to a plastic surgeon for surgery the next week.

I went to the consultation not really knowing what to expect, and when I learned that I was going to have a three-inch incision plus all the tissue taken for an inch radius around and under the spot, I was scared. Scared of what it would look like, what the surgery would feel like with only local anesthesia, and what the healing process would be. Looking back it seems like it all happened so quickly, but while I was going through it I felt the emotional side of it all very poignantly.

My sweet then-boyfriend, now-fiancé, Levi, was very supportive and joined me in prayer for peace for my spirit. Several of my close friends and family knew about it and were praying, as were people I did not even know from Levi’s college. God gave me a peace about the whole thing that I never expected, and I walked into the surgery feeling very brave and thankful to God for the support and love He had surrounded me with.

The surgery itself was very stressful, as I could feel the surgeon working on me and… it was bad. I was very glad to be done with it, though I did not feel that I could rest easy just yet. You see, I had another spot in the same area that the surgeon thought I should get biopsied to be sure it was not melanoma as well. So I scheduled another appointment with the dermatologist and sure enough, she saw it and thought it needed to be checked.

I waited for almost a week expecting a call, when finally I received a letter in the mail saying it was a dysplastic nevus. Not a regular spot, but not melanoma either. For now, nothing further is required. I have to go back to the dermatologist every three months for a year to get checked over to make sure it does not show up somewhere else, but for now, I’m cancer-free.

I’m still dealing with the feeling of loss, but I have an amazing fiancé who is quick to assure me of his love for me even with scars and such. God is a good God, and I’m thankful for His unfailing faithfulness to me. Proverbs 31:25 was a focus for me during a time God asked me to be brave, and it’s worth sharing: “She is clothed in strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.”

Thursday Stories

Hello all! It’s time for Thursday Stories again! We missed last week but the next couple of months are being prepped as you read this! Today’s brave story made a couple of tears leak out of my eyes. It is still very painful to recall my recent miscarriages. Thank you, Christy for sharing bravely! You can read her blog at butterbeesandbumbleflies.com

Stories from San Antonio

Being brave in Christ isn’t the easiest task I’ve ever been faced with. But what I have learned through being brave in Christ is that speaking (and writing) what I’m going through is incredibly healing. And that it brings life to those around me who may not have realized something vitally important – we are not alone. No man (or woman!) is an island. We CAN be found. God IS for us. And if He is for us, WHO can be against us?

 

Aly has taught me more about speaking up and sharing than she probably knows. Because just a couple of short months after I had Grayson, she had her first, and then second miscarriages. Though she carried each for a different amount of time than I carried our two angels, we have that pain in common.

 

Miscarriage is NOT something people speak boldly and bravely about. Women don’t typically come out and say, “hi, my name is Christy, I have had four pregnancies and two of my children are in Heaven.” No, miscarriage is something you don’t usually hear about until you go through it, and share with close friends. And then you start finding out how many people have been there before.

 

I really struggled emotionally. I leaned HEAVILY on my Bible study group, and on God. I questioned Him. I screamed at Him – both inside and out. I raved like a lunatic. And then, I learned to hope again. And then He took my third baby. I questioned Him. I screamed at Him – both inside and out. I raved like a lunatic – HOW ON EARTH could he take TWO babies away from me? Wasn’t it surely part of His plan to give us more than one earthly child? Hadn’t HE been the one to place this desire for multiple children in our hearts? WHY was He taking them away?

 

And then, I finally dared to hope again. We began to live our lives. And one day I very timidly took a test. And then we saw the flashing light of a beating heart on the monitor. And then we made it to 12 weeks. And then to 16. And it was a boy!! And then we made it the agonizingly long wait to 36 and he was kicking and growing and moving like a crazy man. We saw that all of his organs were perfect, and we breathed a sigh of relief. And then he arrived. Now, he’s six months old. It’s been a year and a month since our second baby would have been born. It’s been almost eleven months since our third baby would have been born.

 

And God has given me perspective. He has told me that He has great plans for Grayson’s life. THIS is the child we were meant to have on Earth. And THOSE are the children we lost for a purpose. Their short little microscopic lives HAVE PURPOSE. And meaning. They are not meant to be hidden away in the confines of a Mother and Father’s hearts. No, they are meant to be shared. I am meant to speak bravely and boldly. I’m supposed to tell them about my babies, and to give them the strength to be bold and share about theirs.

 

My grandmother lost three babies before she had my mom. But she didn’t give up. And I’m so very glad. Because if she had let one or two, or even all three miscarriages scare her away from trying desperately to have another healthy child, my mom, and subsequently me, and my children, would never have been born. Miscarriage is tough. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through in my life – twice. But it is NOT the end. And I’m so very glad every time I snuggle of my precious little boy, that we didn’t give up.

 

It’s my job to be a light and an encouragement to others. Miscarriage is NOT easy. The scars on a mother’s heart NEVER go away. But time can heal the pain, and provide perspective. I pray I’m always brave enough and bold enough to help others see His love – even through the tears that fall.

 

God, make me brave. Give me the words. And help me to always use them for Your Glory, and to encourage others.

Thursday Stories

Hello all! I hope you’ve enjoyed our Thursday stories. I know I have. This is our last one from Madagascar for a while but I hope to have more soon. If you have a story about being you bravely, let me know! I’d love to share your story!

Stories from Madagascar

Tatiana:

I joined the MOPS group 2 months ago. I am encouraged with the iniquity of each feather of the “be you bravely” theme-kit, (arrived and opened at the first time with all the members) looking at the different color, yellow, black, blue. I stop comparing and competiting with others. It is very difficult not to looking around me, and seeing other’s life, but God has His plan for me.

Pregnant of 7 months, with 2 children abandoned, single mom, I am not alone. I am encouraged, every members care of me, taking my baby 15 months who don’t walk yet, I am pregnant of 8 months, I have to decide to fly away my husband because he used to bit me because I cannot work and earn money anymore. Now, in Jesus I find hope, still depressed, I hope in Him.

Thursday Stories

Hello all! I hope you enjoyed the stories last week. I have a few more to share with you today! Today’s are a little bit shorter but both are pretty powerful. I cried a little when I read Augustine’s. Enjoy and be encouraged!

Stories from Madagascar

Tina :

MOPS bring Jesus in my life. as mother of 4 children and one is in special needs. My husband saw Jesus too. Now, I have the vision to start MOPS group in special needs to encourage the mothers of special needs.

Augustine :

MOPS saved my 8th children. I was discouraged because it was so difficult for me to raise already 7 children. I got pregnant. I have temptation to abort. Moms in the group support me, emotionally and spiritually. My daughter, Sarah, is alive. I understand God has good plan for me, and for her too. I am trained to be the national coordinator of prayer team of MOPS now.

Thursday Stories

Hello friends! It has been a while since I’ve written and I am sorry about that! I wrote a post today but I want to have it proof read before publishing it so you will need to wait a few more days for that one. But I had another idea in the meantime. Domoina has shared with me some stories from Madagascar. I would like to share those with you. There are 5 of them so I’ll only share a couple with you today and I’ll share more next week. I hope you enjoy these and are encouraged by them!

Stories from Madagascar

Domoina :

I did not know about how to do in the motherhood season. I do not have repere. Now, I understand and equipped as woman : realizing that women are different of men, both are partner with God in His plan. As leader, I have my children as follower, and the aim idea is being disciple of Jesus and to make them disciples too. As, wife, the sex after giving birth is normal, before I avoided it and it destroyed my relationship. I am still in the way, but I can testify that Jesus works in my life through MOPS, Every theme has its impact, the theme “what every mom needs” and “be you bravely” touched me because I have found my real identity and know what is purpose : to help women in their pain whatever their age, their situation through Jesus. I have founded my own organization “Vehivavy Tsara” (Proverbs 31.10a) to support women mainly in their pain abused in childhood, left as single mom, depressed in hardship, and widows. Tools from MOPS, about leadership help me to undrstand not to focus on my failure but to go on with the perspective that God gives me. Glory to the Lord !

Sitraka :

I was with MOPS till I have just got married. I was pregnant of my first boy. I had the privilege to understand about motherhood season, pregnancy as God sees in my life. I expect to continue to study at this time but with the pregnancy, I had to stop. I was depressed but I did not feel alone. Suddenly, after few moths giving birth of my first boy, I was pregnant of twins. the fellowship in MOPS empower me to accept this situation. And raising 3 boys suddenly, is really hard, but God is there and I hosted the MOPS group meeting because I cannot attend the meeting anymore. Encouraged in my motherhood season and my relationship with my husband got better. Expecting high level of study, finding grace in marriage with 3 boys.